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Saturday, August 3, 2013

You might be a redneck if on your day off you always burn something in your yard.

236 reasons you "might" be a redneck.

1. You think "loading the dishwasher" means getting your wife drunk.

2. You ever cut your grass and found a car.

3. You own a home that is mobile and 5 cars that aren't.

4. You think the stock market has a fence around it.

5. On your day off you always burn something in your yard.

6. Your boat has not left the drive-way in 15 years.

7. You own a homemade fur coat.

8. Chiggers are included on your list of top 5 hygiene concerns.

9. You burn your yard rather than mow it.

10. Your wife has ever said, "Come move this transmission so I can take a bath"

11. You read the Auto Trader with a highlight pen.

12. The Salvation Army declines your mattress.

13. You've ever raked leaves in your kitchen.

14. Birds are attracted to your beard.

15. Your wife's job requires her to wear an orange vest.

16. You were shooting pool when any of your kids were born.

17. You have the local taxidermist's number on speed dial.

18. You've ever hit a deer with your car...deliberately.

19. Your school fight song was "Dueling Banjos"

20. You think a chain saw is a musical instrument.

21. You've ever given rat traps as gifts.

22. You clean your fingernails with a stick.

23. Your coffee table used to be a cable spool.

24. You keep a can of RAID on the kitchen table.

25. Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.

26. Your mother has "ammo" on her Christmas list.

27. Every socket in your house breaks a fire code.

28. You've totaled every car you've ever owned.

29. There are more than five McDonald's bags in your car.

30. The Home Shopping operator recognizes your voice.

31. There has ever been crime-scene tape on your bathroom door.

32. You've ever been kicked out of the zoo for heckling the monkeys.

33. The taillight covers of your car are made of red tape.

34. You think a subdivision is part of a math problem.

35. You've ever bathed with flea and tick soap.

36. You think "taking out the trash" means taking your in-laws to a movie.

37. You have every episode of Hee-Haw on tape.

38. You've ever been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.

39. You’re considered an expert on worm beds.

40. Your kids take a siphon hose to "Show and Tell"

41. The dog catcher calls for a backup unit when visiting your house.

42. You've ever bought a used cap.

43. Your CB antenna is a danger to low-flying planes.

44. You pick your teeth….. from a catalog.

45. You've ever financed a tattoo.

46. You've ever stolen toilet paper.

47. You think a hot tub is a stolen bathroom fixture.

48. People hear your car a long time before they see it.

49. The gas pedal on your car is shaped like a bare foot.

50. You prefer car keys to Q-tips.

51. You take a fishing pole into Sea World.

52. You think a turtleneck is key ingredient for soup.

53. You've ever stood in line to have your picture taken with a freak of nature.

54. You think the French Riviera is foreign car.

55. You go to a stock car race and don't need a program.

56. You've ever filled your deer tag on the golf course.

57. You have ever used lard in bed.

58. You own more than 3 shirts with cut off sleeves.

59. You have ever spray-painted your girlfriends name on an overpass.

60. Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.

61. Someone asks to see your ID and you show them your belt buckle.

62. The primary color of your car is Bondo.

63. Directions to your house include "Turn off the paved road" 64. Your dog and your wallet are both on a chain.

65. You owe the taxidermist more than your annual income.

66. You ever lost a tooth opening a beer bottle.

67. Jack Daniels makes you list of most admired people.

68. Your wife's hairdo has ever been ruined by a ceiling fan.

69. You see no need to stop at a rest stop 'cause you have an empty milk jug.

70. You consider the fifth grade your senior year.

71. You have a rag for a gas cap (on a car that doesn’t run).

72. The dog can't watch you eat without gagging.

73. You have a hefty bag where the window of your car should be.

74. You have ever bar-b-qued Spam on the grill.

75. Your brother-in-law is also your uncle.

76. Redman Chewing Tobacco sends you a Christmas card.

77. You bought a VCR because wrestling comes on while you're at work.

78. Your dad walks you to school because you're in the same grade.

79. You view the next family reunion as a chance to meet girls.

80. Your wife has a beer belly and you find it attractive.

81. Your front porch collapses and kills more than five dogs.

82. The main course at potluck dinners is road kill.

83. Your other truck is made by John Deere.

84. You think suspenders are a type of shirt.

85. Going to the bathroom at night involves shoes and a flashlight.

86. You keep a spit cup on the ironing board.

87. You ever got too drunk to fish.

88. More than one living relative is named after a civil war general.

89. Your home has more miles on it than your car.

90. You think that potted meat on a saltine is an hors d'ouerve.

91. There is a stuffed possum anywhere in your house.

92. You consider a six-pack and a bug-zapper high-quality entertainment.

93. Fewer than half of your cars run.

94. Your mother doesn't remove the Marlboro from her lips before telling the State Trooper to kiss her ass.

95. You honestly think that women are turned on by animal noises and seductive tongue gestures.

96. You stand under the mistletoe at Christmas and wait for Granny and cousin Bobby-Sue to walk by.

97. Your family tree doesn't have any branches.

98. Your mother has been involved in a fistfight at a high school sports event.

99. The best way to keep things cold is to leave'em in the shade.

100. The neighbors started a petition over your Christmas lights.

101. You have refused to watch the Academy Awards since "Smokey and the Bandit" was snubbed for best picture.

102. The only condiment on your dining room table is the economy size bottle of ketchup.

103. The rear tires on your car are at least twice as wide as the front ones.

104. You consider "Outdoor Life" deep reading.

105. You prominently display a gift you bought at Graceland.

106. You use the term `over yonder' more than once a month.

107. The diploma hanging in your den contains the words "Trucking Institute"

108. You've ever worn a tube top to a wedding.

109. Your favorite Christmas present, was a painting on black velvet.

110. You think that Dom Perignon is a mafia leader.

111. The most commonly heard phrase at your family reunion is "What the hell are you looking at, Shithead?"

112. You think that beef jerky and Moon Pies are two of the major food groups.

113. You think that Campho-Phenique is a miracle drug.

114. The first words out of your mouth every time you see friends are "Howdy!" "HEY!" or "How Y'all Doin'?"

115. You have more than two brothers named Bubba or Junior.

116. Your father encourages you to quit school because Larry has an opening on the lube rack.

117. You think a Volvo is part of a woman's anatomy.

118. You think that the Styrofoam cooler is the greatest invention of all time.

119. You had to remove a toothpick for wedding pictures.

120. You've ever used a weed eater indoors.

121. You have to go outside to get something out of the 'fridge.

122. Your richest relative invites you over to his new home to help him remove the wheels and skirt.

123. You've ever financed a tattoo.

124. Your idea of a 7 course meal is a bucket of KFC and a six-pack.

125. You go to a Tupperware party for a haircut.

126. Your Junior/Senior Prom had a Daycare.

127. Your kids are going hungry tonight because you just had to have those Yosemite Sam mud flaps.

128. You won't stop at a rest area if you have an empty beer can in the car.

129. You have a very special baseball cap, just for formal occasions.

130. You have to scratch your sister’s name out of the message: "for a good time call . . .”, because you feel guilty about putting it there.

131. You are still holding on to Confederate money because you think the South will rise again.

132. You consider pork and beans to be a gourmet food.

133. You have to go down to the creek to take a bath.

134. You participate in the "who can spit tobacco the farthest contest."

135. You roll you hair with soup cans and wash it once a year.

136. You consider a three piece suit to be: a pair of overalls, a plaid flannel shit and thermal underwear.

137. There is a sheet hanging in your closet and a gun rack hanging in your truck.

138. You think the mountain men in Deliverance were just "misunderstood" 139. You've ever made change in the offering plate.

140. You consider a good tan to be the back of your neck and the left arm below the shirt sleeve. 141. You own at least 20 baseball hats.

142. You know of at least six different ways to bend the bill of a baseball hat.

143. You can change the oil in your truck without ducking your head.

144. When you run out of gas, you put gin in the gas tank!

145. Your biggest ambition in live is to "git thet big'ole coon. The one what hangs 'round over yonder, back'ah bubba's barn"

146. Three quarters of the clothes you own have LOGOS on them.

147. When you leave your house, you are followed by federal agents of the Bureau of Alcohol Tobacco and Firearms, and the only thing you worry about is if you can loose them or not.

148. Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.

149. You have started a petition to change the National Anthem to "Georgia on My Mind"

150. You call your boss "Buddy", on a regular basis.

151. You consider your license plate personalized because your dad made it in prison.

152. You have been fired from a construction job because of your appearance.

153. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.

154. You need an estimate from your barber before you get a haircut.

155. After making love you ask your date to roll down the window.

156. The biggest fashion risk you take is which plaid you'll wear to the 4-H Fair.

157. You have flowers planted in a bathroom appliance in your front yard.

158. Someone in your family says "Cum'n heer an' lookit this afore I flush it"

159. Your wife weighs more then your refrigerator.

160. When you see a sign that says "Say No To Crack," it reminds you to pull your jeans up.

161. You go Christmas shopping for your mom, sister, and girlfriend, and you only need to buy one gift. 162. Your gene pool doesn't have a "deep end"

163. "Honey? Are the lights out? Is the door locked? Is the parking brake set?" is what you hear right before you and your wife/girl make love.

164. Your `huntin dawg' cost more than the truck you drive him around in.

165. You'd rather catch bass than get some (if you can't guess...)

166. You have a Hefty bag for a Car/Truck convertible top.

167. Your belt buckle weighs more than three pounds.

168. You think that safe sex is a padded headboard on the waterbed.

169. You have an Elvis Jell-O mold.

170. You own more cowboy boots than sneakers.

171. You've been to a funeral and there were more pick-ups than cars.

172. You have a picture of Johnny Cash, Willie Nelson, or Elvis over your fireplace.

173. You just bought an 8-track player to put in your car.

174. There are four or more cars up on blocks in the front yard.

175. The theme song at your high school prom was “Friends in Low Places” 176. Its Easier to spray weed killer on your lawn than mow it.

177. You think that John Deere Green, Ford Blue, and Primer Gray are the three of the primary colors.

178. You've ever climbed a water tower with a bucket of paint to defend your sister's honor.

179. You idea of talking during sex is "Ain't no cars coming, baby!"

180. Your vehicle has a two-tone paint job--primer red and primer gray.

181. The tobacco chewers in your family aren't just men.

182. Yer mom calls ya over t'help, cause she has a flat tire...on her house. 183. The ASPCA raids yer kitchen. 184. Foreplay consists of slipping off her saddle. 185. Ya can't get married to yer sweetheart ‘cause there’s a law against it.

186. Ya celebrate Groundhog Day (cause ya believe in it!!)

187. You've been on TV more than 5 times describing the sound of a tornado.

188. You fish in your above-ground pool, especially if you catch something!

189. Your beer can collection is considered a tourist attraction in your home town.

190. If you wake up with both a black eye and a hickey.

191. Getting a package from your post office requires a full tank of gas in the truck.

192. "Buck Naked Line Dancing" isn't a videotape, it's "Ladies Night" at the local bar.

193. Your wife wants to stop at the gas station to see if they've got the new Darrell Waltrip Budweiser wall clock.

194. You dated your daddy's current wife in high school.

195. You're moved to tears every time you hear Dolly Parton singing "I Will Always Love You"

196. You've ever parked a Camaro in a tree.

197. Exxon and Conoco have offered you royalties for your hair.

198. Your dad is also your favorite uncle.

199. The most serious loss from the earthquake was your Conway Twitty record collection (your insurance man is one too if he pays you for it) 200. You actually made a pyramid of cans in the pale moonlight with Alan Jackson.

201. You have spent more on your pickup truck than on your education.

202. You can tell your age by the number of rings in the bathtub.

203. Your mom gives you tips on how to sneak booze into sporting events.

204. The blue book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas it has in it.

205. Your classes at school were cancelled because the path to the restroom was flooded.

206. On your job application under "SEX" you put "As often as possible"

207. During your senior year you and your mother had homeroom together.

208. You're a “light” beer drinker, because you start drinking when it gets light.

209. On your first date you had to ask your Dad to borrow the keys to the tractor.

210. Your parakeet knows the phrase "Open up, Police!”

211. You saved lots of money on your honeymoon by going deer hunting.

212. In tough situations you ask yourself, "What would Curly do?”

213. Taking your wife on a cruise means circling the Dairy Queen.

214. You think the last words to the Star Spangled Banner are "Gentlemen, start your engines"

215. Your child's first words are "Attention K-Mart shoppers”

216. Your wife's best pair of shoes is steel-toed Red Wings.

217. You have a color coordinating rope that ties down your car hood.

218. You bring your dog to work with you.

219. You replace a flat tire on your truck with a tire from your house.

220. You've ever put a six-pack in a casket right before they closed it. 221. Your family's No. 1 enemy is revenuers.

222. Your belt buckle doubles as a serving platter.

223. You use lava soap more than three times a day.

224. You wear cowboy boots with Bermuda shorts.

225. You have a hook in your shower to hang your hat on.

226. You buy your wife tube socks at the flea market.

227. You consider orange peels left on the coffee table as potpourri.

228. You can't take a bath because beer is iced down in your tub.

229. Your kitchen doubles as a bait store.

230. You've ever picked up a woman in a convenience store.

231. You throw a beer can out the truck window and your wife shoots it.

232. You've ever fed your date french fries in a Denny's.

233. Going to the laundromat means cleaning out the back of the truck.

234. Your family reunion features a chewing tobacco spit-off.

235. You come home from the garbage dump with more than you went with.

If you have home automation devices connected to the internet you better read this article.

Shodan search engine

David Goldman

Shodan: The scariest search engine on the Internet

Hacking anything connected to the Internet

Unlike Google , which crawls the Web looking for websites, Shodan navigates the Internet's back channels. It's a kind of "dark" Google, looking for the servers, webcams, printers, routers and all the other stuff that is connected to and makes up the Internet.

Shodan runs 24/7 and collects information on about 500 million connected devices and services each month.

It's stunning what can be found with a simple search on Shodan. Countless traffic lights, security cameras, home automation devices and heating systems are connected to the Internet and easy to spot.

Shodan searchers have found control systems for a water park, a gas station, a hotel wine cooler and a crematorium. Cybersecurity researchers have even located command and control systems for nuclear power plants and a particle-accelerating cyclotron by using Shodan.

What's really noteworthy about Shodan's ability to find all of this -- and what makes Shodan so scary -- is that very few of those devices have any kind of security built into them.

"It's a massive security failure," said HD Moore, chief security officer of Rapid 7, who operates a private version of a Shodan-like database for his own research purposes.

Hackers take aim at key U.S. infrastructure

A quick search for "default password" reveals countless printers, servers and system control devices that use "admin" as their user name and "1234" as their password. Many more connected systems require no credentials at all -- all you need is a Web browser to connect to them.

In a talk given at last year's Defcon cybersecurity conference, independent security penetration tester Dan Tentler demonstrated how he used Shodan to find control systems for evaporative coolers, pressurized water heaters, and garage doors.

He found a car wash that could be turned on and off and a hockey rink in Denmark that could be defrosted with a click of a button. A city's entire traffic control system was connected to the Internet and could be put into "test mode" with a single command entry. And he also found a control system for a hydroelectric plant in France with two turbines generating 3 megawatts each.

Scary stuff, if it got into the wrong hands.

"You could really do some serious damage with this," Tentler said, in an understatement.

So why are all these devices connected with few safeguards? Some things that are designed to be connected to the Internet, such as door locks that can be controlled with your iPhone, are generally believed to be hard to find. Security is an afterthought.

If you're using 'Password1,' change it. Now.

A bigger issue is that many of these devices shouldn't even be online at all. Companies will often buy systems that can enable them to control, say, a heating system with a computer. How do they connect the computer to the heating system? Rather than connect them directly, many IT departments just plug them both into a Web server, inadvertently sharing them with the rest of the world.

"Of course there's no security on these things," said Matherly, "They don't belong on the Internet in the first place."

The good news is that Shodan is almost exclusively used for good.

Matherly, who completed Shodan more than three years ago as a pet project, has limited searches to just 10 results without an account, and 50 with an account. If you want to see everything Shodan has to offer, Matherly requires more information about what you're hoping to achieve -- and a payment.

Penetration testers, security professionals, academic researchers and law enforcement agencies are the primary users of Shodan. Bad actors may use it as a starting point, Matherly admits. But he added that cybercriminals typically have access to botnets -- large collections of infected computers -- that are able to achieve the same task without detection.

(Bottom line: My advice is if you have got anything connected to the internet that you can control remotely you better disconnect it or or someone could be controlling your devices remotely. Get off the grid as much as possible especially using a DUMB "smart" phone.) Story Reports

Friday, August 2, 2013

Bird poop facials for the first lady?

The New York Times Is Full of Poop
A bird poop facial procedure features UV-disinfected nightingale poop air-lifted from Japan and mixed with rice bran to hide its smell.
The $180 treatment is said to make skin look radiant. Good thing because it would feel pretty silly if you let a stranger smear bird excrement on your face and it didn’t work.

(This is what michelle looked like before she started having bird poop facials. I think she is wasting the taxpayers money, it isn't helping her.)Story Reports

Obama regime is hiding the Benghazi survivors, dispersing them around the country, AND changing their names

The Obama regime is hiding the Benghazi survivors, dispersing them around the country, AND changing their names.

GOP Rep: Obama WH Is Hiding Benghazi Survivors AND CHANGING THEIR NAMES:

SC Rep. Trey Gowdy (R-SC) was on with Greta Van Susteren Thursday to discuss the Obama scandals.

This came after Jake Tapper at CNN broke the news that there were “dozens” of CIA operatives on the ground in Benghazi on 9-11 when the consulate came under attack and the agency is going to great lengths to make sure whatever it was doing, remains a secret.

Rep Gowdy told Greta the Obama Administration is hiding the survivors, dispersing them around the country, AND changing their names.

“Including changing names, creating aliases. Stop and think what things are most calculated to get at the truth? Talk to people with first-hand knowledge. What creates the appearance and perhaps the reality of a cover-up? Not letting us talk with people who have the most amount of information, dispersing them around the country and changing their names.”

And, at the same time Obama is hiding the survivors around the country he’s calling Benghazi a ‘phony’ scandal.

(Obama is just a criminal trying to cover his tracks. The real question should be: Why is he still in office? Why hasn't congress removed the FRAUD called obama? Obama cannot validate his US citizenship. He has only produced a forged fake PDF file he said was his birth certificate, which has been proven to be a total FRAUD/FAKE document!) Story Reports

Wednesday, July 31, 2013

Retirement Is Just Like Real Life: We Interrupt This Fantasy To Introduce Reality.

Retirement: A Full-Time Job

A retiree Syd

Retirement Is Just Like Real Life

Aaah, retirement. No more alarm clocks, deadlines, or responsibilities. No more difficult bosses. No more performance evaluations.

Endless time to travel, to catch up on reading, to enjoy afternoon cocktails on the verandah.

If you could just get yourself to retirement, you would be free: stress-free, worry-free, and carefree.

We interrupt this fantasy to introduce reality.

Retirement is just another stage of life. Remember life? It’s that thing that has happened to you for all those years leading up to today. And here’s the thing about life—it keeps happening even in retirement.

Retirement won’t magically deliver you to a life with no problems. Retirement simply replaces one set of challenges with another set. A set that I would argue is much easier to live with, but as challenges tend to be, still challenging. Retirement is just like real life that way.

But just like real life, you can still love retirement despite its challenges. Not everyone experiences the exact same challenges, or to the same degree. For example, boredom was never really an issue for me, but I do know that it can be a big deal for some retirees. Frankly I was more bored when I was working.
(Ditto) Story Reports

But I did struggle with guilt when I first retired. Guilt for not accomplishing enough each day, guilt for not volunteering some of my newfound time, heck, guilt just for the fact that I was retired while others are off at work.

(Yah I felt some "guilt" also. Guilt for not accomplishing enough each day to take up the slack that "management" manufacutred by allowing certain employees to do little or next to nothing.) Story Reports

I also had trouble telling new acquaintances that I was retired, trouble explaining what it was I did all day; I even had trouble spending time on the things I actually wanted to spend my time on the most.

There are plenty of issues you may have to work out in retirement, guilt, boredom, laziness, and money worries, to name a few.

If you think you are only going to get the good with no bad in retirement, you are not being realistic. Yes, you’re trading in the problems of the work world: stressful days, sleepless nights, long commutes, mind-numbing meetings, limited vacation time, and a general need to hurry from here to there.

But it’s a trade-off. In retirement, you’ll have to figure out your new identity, find meaningful activities to fill your time, and work to develop some new relationships. And when you give up work, you are giving up some financial security and a built-in social life as well.

I’m not trying to be discouraging. I think the benefits of retirement far outweigh the drawbacks. But if you find yourself struggling for your footing in retirement, that just means you’re normal. It doesn’t necessarily mean that you made a huge mistake giving up that nine to five.


After reading your article it 'clicked', I was looking for things that society might define as meaningful rather then what I defined as meaningful to me. I love being outside in my gardens working alone but felt guilty that I wasn't doing something more meaningful for social good, not anymore. Thank you. The social good may come later, for now I am going to ENJOY working in my gardens and contemplating life.

(I agree. Define meaningful things to do for YOUSELF, not what "society" thinks is meaningful!) Story Reports

After about two years of searching and building my post-employment life (i.e., retirement!), I finally understand that life is about following one's passions, whatever they might be, not about living up to vague societal expectations. I used to feel the need to apologize for my 'good luck' and to justify what I did with my time. Not any more! I love my life, and as long as I follow the rules with regard to what works for me, it's all good.


Retirement for the individual is much like it is for the couple. You can run, but you can't hide. While working, it can be much easier to ignore 'issues' and pretend they don't exist. The busier the schedule, the easier it is to just buckle down and do what needs to get done. Along comes retirement and you're faced with the person in the mirror. Some people fill their retirement time with a whirlwind of activity, but in the end, you still have to come to terms with who you are and make peace with that person. To me, that's the ultimate opportunity and challenge of retirement.


I think just as some people struggle with boredom during retirement while others do not, some people struggle with the word 'passion.' How do people find their passion when they just feel... Well, content? Contentment is undervalued and misunderstood in my opinion. Nothing wrong with it. But as humans there is an allure to living with the struggle. If we can get passed that, we can sink in and learn to appreciate our circumstances even more. Starts with feeling worthy as individuals, I beleieve. If we feel our life has value, regardless of whether we are saving the planet or changing the world, then we can learn to 'just be.' At least, this is the topic I've been exploring since I retired a year and a half ago. Thanks for being a beacon in the distance for those of us who are finding our way.


I retired in December. Some days, I get absolutely nothing done. I don't even try! I have been feeling terrible about this, but maybe it is just part of the adjustment process. I mean, how slothful can I really be if I retired early w/o a pension?

I do notice that when I have something I Must Do, the energy is there. Last week, I worked four 18+ hour days completing my MIL's Estate Sale. Then I came home and slept the better part of two days. Thanks for holding a light up and showing me there is hope.


I'm two weeks into my early retirement/sabbatical/new career, and I'm struggling with feelings of guilt at being so unproductive! And yet a friend reminded me that I'm genetically incapable of being truly unproductive. Not that productivity should even matter, but old habits die hard.

Thank you for reminding me that every life stage contains challenges to handle. Luckily, my challenges now are so much more pleasant than the ones I dealt with when I had a day job!

(Ditto) Story Reports


I guess when we're working, we're so used to performing to our employer's expectations that it's hard to shift to stop living to others' expectations even in retirement.

No matter where you go you're always there or no matter where you go you're there.

Don't suffer from that ailment of making life harder than it needs to be.

Getting nothing done some days is part of life, feeling terrible about it is just part of the adjustment process, like you said. There will come a time when you learn to stop feeling terrible about it and just realize you're doing what you need to do right now. You've earned it!


We have to carve out a new identity in retirement. I am 10 months in now and still working on that. That vague feeling of anxiety that came from not having to get up early and rush into work is less frequent now so I know I am settling in.

And being retired is busy and amazing and getting more so as I settle in.

Advice to new retirees to “Go with the flow but make sure that flow isn't down the drain of self esteem. Don’t think that you can, or have to figure it all out ahead of time. You will become a different person in retirement more than you ever imagined, but the amazing thing is that the person you become will be pretty much up to you.”

Tt almost unanimous that people do not miss working, it is almost as unanimous that folks missed some of the day-to-day "relationships" of the workplace as well as “the camaraderie,” or just interaction with familiar people.


(Yah I did earn it. Some people think they deserve retirement. You don't deserve it if you didn't earn it. I know of people who scam the system and don't deserve retirement. This is the norm for many people. Scam the system. I worked and earned my retirement. Those who didn't earn their retirement are the ones that should feel guilty but I know they don't. They were just "working bums" who scammed the system.) Story Reports